


ocean eyes

by denimandflowers



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Barebacking, Divorce, Doyoung-centric, M/M, Smut, implied infidelity, potentially confusing timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23198887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denimandflowers/pseuds/denimandflowers
Summary: Kim Doyoung is a planner. But nobody plans to fall out of love, and truth be told, Doyoung has no idea how he’s going to weather this storm.Or, the one where Jung-Kim Doyoung and Jung-Kim Jaehyun have a bitter divorce and get embroiled in a messy fight over ownership of the beach house.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 47
Kudos: 403





	ocean eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not a lawyer, I have no knowledge about divorce proceedings whatsoever.
> 
> i am, however, a master of bullshitting so pls read this with a pinch of salt. :-)
> 
> I really, really enjoy reading some light hearted, fluffy jaedo but I can’t for the life of me write fluff so enjoy this angst ig

**2020**

Time is a funny thing.

It’s what Doyoung thinks as he walks through white French doors, wooden floorboards creaking beneath a pair of worn out Nike’s.

A year ago he had been on the cream coloured sofa in the middle of that very room, cuddled with a husband.

Six months ago his bags had been packed, lined up neatly beside the front doors.

That had been the last time he’d set foot in that house.

Everything looks the same. Neat, clean. Just the way he’s always liked it. Doyoung licks his lips, scans the room, careful not to let any emotions through. There is no use reminiscing useless memories. He’s always been pragmatic like that.

“I could have you arrested for trespassing, Kim.”

Doyoung startles at the voice. He steels himself, turns around with a mean look in his eyes. “It’s not trespassing if it belongs to me.”

Jaehyun does a little tilt of his head, regarding the older with the tiniest smirk on his lips. He takes a bite out of the apple in his hand. “You sure about that?” he says, mouth full. Doyoung grimaces at the sight; he just _knows_ the younger is doing that to rile him up.

“This house is in my name, in case you forgot.”

“Well,” Jaehyun says with a click of the tongue, going around Doyoung to get to the kitchen. “Did you forget that we’re still _married,_ Jung-Kim Doyoung? What’s yours is mine, sweetheart.”

Doyoung doesn’t hesitate when he reaches into his black tote bag, pulling out a neatly compiled bunch of papers.

“Actually, that’s what I’m here for.”

Doyoung relishes in the way the smile falls off Jaehyun’s face as he regards him.

“Don’t you think it’s time we stop this bullshit?” Doyoung holds them out.

Jaehyun’s steps are cautious, measured, as he makes his way towards the older to receive them.

“I got them drafted last month,” Doyoung explains as Jaehyun reads the words printed in bold on the front.

_Irreconcilable differences._

The words had made no sense to Doyoung. Years and years of cultivated love, the sweet push and pull, all amounting to two words on a piece of paper. Two words that invalidated his relationship with someone who was once his whole world.

Jaehyun’s expression gives nothing away.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer soon but I thought I’d let you know in person.”

Jaehyun hadn’t expected any less.

“So we’re really doing this, huh?” Jaehyun finally says, looking up through his bangs. The instinctive part of Doyoung’s brain tuts at how long Jaehyun’s let his hair grow out, but the irrational, spiteful part of him blatantly ignores the way they fall into his eyes.

_Tell Jaehyun to cut his bangs._

He’d found it written on a random page of his diary. He wasn’t going to tell him that.

“We both know it’s no use to drag this out any longer,” Doyoung replies, surely. This has been on his to-do list for the longest time. It had been sitting right at the top, bold, highlighted yellow, underlined in red, angry ink.

The look of indifference is back on Jaehyun’s face.

Doyoung has never been good at reading him. It was a wonder how they ever worked; Jaehyun was a master at masking his emotions, and _Doyoung_ – well, he wore his heart on his sleeve.

“If that’s what you want,” Jaehyun gives a noncommittal grunt. Doyoung tries not to let it get to him. Distracts himself from the fact that Jaehyun could give two shits that there was no more love between them by adjusting the glasses framing his face.

“I’ll get going now,” Doyoung says as he watches Jaehyun turn his back on him, seemingly uninterested in whatever else he had to say.

Time is a funny thing.

Doyoung finds himself fighting the lump in his throat as he stands there and wonders how he’s loved and lost someone in the last decade of his life.

+

“You’re kidding.”

Doyoung barely lifts his gaze as he flips through the morning paper, a hand curled around a mug of coffee.

“You can’t be serious?” This time, Doyoung can’t help the roll of his eyes as he glances up at his pesky guest.

“Would I _joke_ about this?”

Johnny regards him with a frown and a slight nod. “Point taken.”

The silence that follows is uncomfortable and Doyoung sighs as he sneaks a glance at his friend.

“It’s not your fault, you know,” he reassures him in a quiet voice. As always, Johnny doesn’t look entirely convinced. In fact, his frown only deepens as he cradles his own mug of coffee with both hands.

“ _Honestly_ , Johnny,” Doyoung says again, this time sounding a little more exasperated. “You can’t hold yourself accountable for his actions.”

“I can’t help it,” Johnny admits. “You and Jaehyun, you both mean so much to me, and to know that I had a hand in this makes me feel absolutely terrible.”

Doyoung shifts in his seat, turning to face the older. “Jaehyun and I haven’t been on the best terms for a long time. That _night_ —” Doyoung tries to conceal the hitch in his breath at the flood of unwanted emotions. He lets out a measured breath. “Whatever happened was just the last straw for us both.”

“You’re saying you knew this would happen?” Johnny wonders sadly. He’s sad, because the best things that has ever happened to them, happened because Doyoung and Jaehyun had been together. They’d been a force to be reckoned with. They were meant to last forever. It was hard for Johnny to let go of that.

“It’s inevitable, Johnny,” Doyoung tells him. He lets out a small laugh, though his eyes harbour no amusement. “I mean, we were doomed from the start, weren’t we? We’re both hard-headed, we both think we’re always right. There was no such thing as compromise in our relationship. It was a train wreck waiting to happen.”

Johnny nods, slowly coming to terms with it. “You sure about this, Doie?”

Doyoung manages a wry smile. “I just wish it hadn’t taken close to ten years for us to realise that.”

+

**2015**

Jaehyun moans as he sinks onto the new cream coloured sofa, legs coming up to rest on the coffee table. The floor is littered with different sizes of boxes, some unopened. Every window is opened and the overhead fan is on full blast. Despite so, the summer heat is relentless and Jaehyun finds himself bathed in his own sweat.

“Jung, get your feet off the table!”

Jaehyun’s eyes snap up in fear of his boyfriend’s wrath. He scrambles to do as told, laughing when he catches sight of the look of horror on Doyoung’s face.

“Aww, come on, _Doie_ ,” Jaehyun teases as he moves to sit up. “I’ve washed my feet.”

“You’re gonna get marks on it,” Doyoung nags, bending down to inspect the glass top. He shrieks in surprise when a pair of arms wrap themselves around his waist, pulling him onto the sofa.

“You reek!” Doyoung screams, thrashing against the strong hold. At some point tickling became involved, and Doyoung finds himself reduced to a terrible heap of tears and laughter.

He hears the sound of a shutter as he laughs and realises that Jaehyun has an old polaroid camera in his hand.

“Found it in one of the boxes,” Jaehyun grins.

“I look gross!” Doyoung says petulantly when the picture materializes.

“No,” Jaehyun disagrees. “You look like the love of my life.”

Doyoung groans.

“Love, you have ocean eyes,” Jaehyun continues, unfazed.

“What does that even mean?” Doyoung laughs. His smile fades when he realises that Jaehyun’s serious, staring into his eyes.

“Your eyes speak more than you’ll ever say,” Jaehyun tells him. “You like to keep your burden to yourself but I hope you know I’m here now.”

Doyoung smiles softly, slowly sinking to his knees in the space between the younger’s legs. He leans in with a grin, hands coming up to hold Jaehyun’s face in place so he could ease him into a soft kiss.

Doyoung lets out a content sigh as he flops onto the empty space beside his boyfriend, letting their legs tangle. They hadn’t thought much of it when they’d collectively dragged the sofa right smack in the middle of the room, facing the balcony doors where they opened to a magnificent view of the ocean. In hindsight, it’s probably the best decision they’ve made all day, Jaehyun thinks, as the sound of the waves drowned out every inconsequential thought he had.

“It’s a beautiful house.” Jaehyun gives a tight squeeze around the older’s waist when he notices the wistful look in Doyoung’s eyes.

Doyoung nods mutely. It really was. It had been the only thing his father had left behind. It was a token of his love for architecture and the ocean. Sure, parts of the beach house remained incomplete, still, but Doyoung lived his life living from plan to plan. He had a vivid image of what he’d like it to be, _when_ it was going to happen, and he knows he’s almost there.

“I’m going to propose to you one day, you know that, right?” Doyoung suddenly says. He’s not afraid when he says those words. It feels right.

His confession elicits a small, comforting chuckle from the other.

“I know,” Jaehyun hums.

Doyoung feels like everything is falling right into place when he says, “I’m glad we’re doing this together, Jung Jaehyun.”

+

**2020**

Despite news that two of the largest shareholders were going through a potentially messy divorce, the following workday at Neo Murals starts like any other day. Taeyong and Johnny gets dispatched to oversee a new mural project in the city, Yuta is tasked to collect outstanding payment from previous clients, and Haechan gets busy holding the fort back at the office.

Ever since the separation several months ago, Doyoung had taken to working from home instead. It was petty and quite frankly unprofessional, but the mere sight of Jaehyun triggered the most irrational feelings in him and Doyoung wasn’t going to risk being called a crazy bitch by his colleagues.

Unfortunately, the separation had caused a shift in his priorities, and the burning passion he’d once held for Neo Murals had slowly turned into nothing but ashes.

It was a pity, Doyoung thinks.

Jaehyun and him had been fresh out of college, and their shared love for art had manifested into one of the greatest chapters of their lives.

The company; a result of many sleepless nights, hard work, and tears.

But that chapter of his life is over.

And Doyoung knows, that to move on, he would have to let go.

+

“You have three options," his lawyer says as they sit down to discuss legalities over coffee.

"One, you both sell the house and split the profit. Two, you can buy out Mr. Jung’s share of the house."

"And last but not least, you could both take turns living there.”

Doyoung wants to laugh at that. It would only mean that he would have to remain in contact with Jaehyun, and that was honestly the _last_ thing he wanted. He’d weighed his options before the meeting with his lawyer but hearing her say them only made him more confused.

“What if I want to keep it to myself? The beach house, I mean,” Doyoung wonders after a moment.

“As I’ve mentioned, the only way you could do so is if Mr. Jung _agrees_ to let you buy out his share of the house.”

“Is there any way I could keep it _without_ having him involved?” Doyoung asks even if, deep down, he already knew the answer to that.

“Unfortunately, since the beach house is also registered under his name, there is nothing we can do without first consulting him,” Ms. Park says apologetically.

She hesitates, “I would say that your best bet is to talk to Mr. Jung himself. Make him see sense.”

Doyoung wants to scoff at those words; make Jung Jaehyun see sense? That was an impossible feat. The younger could barely _look_ at him without being all condescending, let alone have a conversation long enough to be persuaded.

“I see…” Doyoung says resignedly, glancing down at his folded hands on the table. “I’ll think about it.”

+

Doyoung and Jaehyun’s story begins just like any other.

At fourteen, Doyoung’s childhood friend Johnny comes back from the States and introduces Doyoung to a lanky, pubescent teen.

Doyoung remembers being fascinated by those dimples. They weren’t the typical small, sweet ones he’d seen before. No, these ones were deep and devastating.

Doyoung had thought nothing of this friend of Johnny’s, apart from the fact that it soon became increasingly apparent that he was an awkward child who trailed after Johnny like a puppy. Jaehyun was always wherever Johnny was.

After the first couple of times that Johnny turned up with the younger in tow, Doyoung stopped questioning Jaehyun’s presence and accepted him into their social circle.

Jaehyun was quiet at first, only speaking when spoken to. That had changed after Doyoung accidentally discovered the younger’s love for painting.

“My dad used to paint,” Doyoung had told him.

He didn’t know why he told him. Doyoung had always found it difficult to open up to people. But Jaehyun was kind. He listened intently, only spoke the words Doyoung didn’t know he’d needed to hear.

“For a while, painting really helped him cope with everything.”

“I’m sorry about your father.”

Johnny had told Jaehyun, but Doyoung didn’t mind. It wasn’t a secret. Everyone had their fair share of sad stories and Doyoung’s sad story was something he liked to see as a silver lining.

Doyoung nodded with a smile. “You know that beach house near the pier? He left it behind for me, and I’m going to turn it into my life one day.”

Jaehyun had smiled at him, then. “I could paint a mural for you, if you’d like.”

“I’d very much like that.”

That was the first time Doyoung felt his heart flutter at the thought of Jung Jaehyun.

Their first kiss happened years later one summer, at the beach house.

Doyoung had brought Jaehyun on a tour of the place. Jaehyun had looked at him in fondness as Doyoung told of his plans for the house with an excited glint in his eyes.

“You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you?” Jaehyun wondered with a chuckle.

Doyoung smiled, embarrassed. “You know me, Jae. I like to be one step ahead.”

But it hadn’t been in his plans when Jaehyun had smiled at him like he’d put the stars in the sky. It hadn’t been in his plans when Jaehyun held his face in his hands and gazed deep into his eyes. And then Jaehyun was kissing him, and all Doyoung could think of was how he certainly hadn’t planned to kiss him back.

Sometimes they kissed. Most times they just held hands. Doyoung spent his evenings lying around in Jaehyun’s bed, watching as his forehead creased while he worked on his paintings. By the end of summer, Doyoung found himself waking up in Jaehyun’s bed more often than his own. Jaehyun nagged about having to dig through a pile of Doyoung’s clothes in his _own_ wardrobe but grinned silly when he found Doyoung’s toothbrush beside his own one morning.

“Most people would call that dating, you know that right, Doie?” Johnny had teased him.

Doyoung had laughed but said nothing of it. When Jaehyun came around that night he’d wondered, “What are we?”

The question had caught him off guard, and Doyoung remembered seeing the anxious look in his eyes.

“What do you want us to be?”

Doyoung was sure when he told him, “I want you for myself. I want you to kiss me in public, and let everyone know that we’re together. I…I have plans, Jae, and I see you in every one of them.”

When Jaehyun crossed the room with a determined stride, pulling him into a bruising kiss, Doyoung had felt like he was on top of the world.

+

**2020**

“What did you say?”

Doyoung stares him down with arms tightly wound across his chest, refusing to be fazed by the furious look in Jaehyun’s eyes.

“You heard me, Jung,” Doyoung says quietly.

“You don’t expect me to just give it up, do you?” Jaehyun narrows his eyes at him from across the table. In front of them, their drinks sit untouched.

“The beach house is _mine_ ,” Doyoung stresses with an impatient click of his tongue. “You think I’m stupid enough to let you have it when it’s worth close to a million?”

Jaehyun leans back into his seat, eyes fixated on Doyoung’s hard gaze.

“Neither am I,” Jaehyun reminds him with a cock of an eyebrow.

Doyoung feels desperation bubbling inside him as he leans forward, elbows coming to rest on the table, hands in a frenzied mess.

“Look, you can have everything else. The apartment in _Gangnam-gu_ , the Mercedes. I’ll even sell my share in the company,” Doyoung says begrudgingly. “Just let me have the beach house.”

Jaehyun ponders on the offer. For a second Doyoung sees something akin to realisation in his eyes but it’s gone as quickly as it’s appeared. Doyoung knows that look in his eyes. He has seen it a lot over the years. Jaehyun wasn’t going to give in.

“I don’t _care_ if you give up on your share of everything else,” Jaehyun says with an eerie sense of calm, confirming Doyoung’s thoughts, “I’m keeping the beach house.”

Doyoung clenches his fist in frustration. He takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out, levelling himself. “This is why we didn’t work, you know that?”

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun asks, annoyed.

“I don’t get you,” Doyoung shakes his head. “You get defensive over the smallest things. You just can’t _stand_ to lose, can you?”

“Takes one to know one, doesn’t it?” Jaehyun bites back. “Besides, I’m the one who’s had to put up with your bullshit while we were together. You’re just— _insufferable_ , Kim Doyoung.”

Jaehyun flinches when the sound of the chair scraping against the tiles rings loud in the air as Doyoung pushes up to his feet.

“You know what? Suit yourself. I’ll see you in court.”

+

**2017**

“Happy anniversary, my love.”

A set of dimples appear, and Doyoung leans in to leave a kiss in the corner of his mouth. He pulls away, a soft smile gracing his lips.

“Happy anniversary to you too, Jung-Kim Dongyoung,” Jaehyun grins, arms reaching out to encircle around the older’s waist. “It’s been a year but hearing my name in yours still feels so surreal.”

“I’m just glad we haven’t gotten sick of each other yet,” Doyoung laughs, pulling out of Jaehyun’s hold to lead him into the kitchen.

The sight that greets them knocks the breath out of Jaehyun.

The room is bathed in a soft glow coming from the light of several candles. The table is set for two, complete with Doyoung’s finest China and a bottle of Pinot noir. He picks up the cream coloured note, a smile tugging at his lips at the familiar penmanship.

_Jaehyun_

_The past year has been one of the best years of my life._

_Here’s to many more years with you, my love._

“You’re quite a hopeless romantic, aren’t you?” Jaehyun quips.

Doyoung punches him in the shoulder. He’d meant every word, but he would rather die than say those words out loud.

“It looks good,” Jaehyun says as an apology, eyes surveying the spread of food.

“Remember when you used to be chubby? I miss that. I need my chubby Jaehyun back,” Doyoung laughs when Jaehyun grimaces at the memory.

“I admit that your cooking is, frustratingly, better than mine, but I really hope you enjoy tonight’s meal,” Doyoung says as he peers at the younger who tucks the letter into the inner breast pocket of his jacket, holding a hand over his heart.

“You know I love it when you cook for me,” Jaehyun reminds him with a kiss to his cheek. But yes, he _does_ think that his cooking is better.

“Can I show you what I got you?”

Doyoung nods and smiles a gummy smile, excitement bubbling inside him as he allows Jaehyun to take the lead this time. They’re back in the living room, just as Doyoung had predicted. They stop short of the balcony to stare at the long white sheet that covers the adjacent wall.

It had taken everything in him not to peek at what was behind the sheet the past couple of days, ever since Jaehyun had set it up with a stern warning to “pretend it doesn’t exist”. It was a mural, that much Doyoung could guess, but what was behind those sheets remained a secret.

“I’ve got to give you a head’s up,” Jaehyun starts, looking at him sheepishly. “You know how I spent the last few nights while you were asleep trying to finish this before our anniversary? It’s actually taking longer than I anticipated.”

“So it’s not complete?” Doyoung wonders.

Jaehyun shakes his head. “It’s only about 70% done,” he says uncertainly.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung calls him softly. “I already love it.”

It takes ten seconds and a whole lot of courage for Jaehyun to pull the sheets off, revealing the secret beneath. The sheet pool at their feet, and Jaehyun has half a mind to put it back when he realises that the smile on Doyoung’s face is gone.

Jaehyun lets out a nervous chuckle, rubbing at the back of his neck. “If you don’t like it I can paint it over, I swear.”

“Jae…” Doyoung whispers, hands coming up to reach out for it. His eyes fix upon the incomplete sketch, unblinking as he murmurs, “It’s beautiful.”

Jaehyun had often talked about painting an ocean on the wall, a recurring topic ever since they’d moved in together. But instead of waves, the shades of blue make out the silhouette of themselves looking into each other’s eyes, holding each other close.

A picture taken from their wedding day.

“Dammit,” Doyoung curses as he looks away with a teary laugh. “Why do you always have to win?”

“I just want the best for you, baby,” Jaehyun says earnestly, gathering him into his arms and kissing the side of his head.

“ _You’re_ the hopeless romantic, you bastard,” Doyoung says thickly and sighs at the painting again.

“This makes the place feel more like home, doesn’t it?”

+

**2020**

Doyoung runs a hand over the mural which has long faded into a mess of blue.

He can barely make out the picture anymore.

They’d fallen out before they could put some work into its preservation. It was almost like a foreboding of sorts. A sign that they were never meant to last.

A long and exhausting battle lies ahead. Doyoung wonders if he’s equipped to weather the storm. Was he ready to face the inevitable heartbreak? His heart couldn’t possibly break when it’s already broken, could it?

His problems weigh on him like a thousand bricks, but Doyoung didn’t have a solution to a single one.

He’s about to give up on something he’s worked years for. He’s lost his marriage. He couldn’t lose the beach house, too.

Doyoung hangs his head low, reaching out to run his fingers across the mural as if it would give him the answers.

He knows what he has to do.

+

**2020**

“Doie, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

They’re sitting cross-legged on the sofa at Doyoung’s _Gangnam-gu_ apartment. Johnny disguises the fact that he’s checking up on Doyoung – to make sure he was doing okay – with the excuse that Doyoung’s apartment is closer and he’s too lazy to get home. But when Doyoung had told him, earlier in the day, that he was going to sue his estranged husband for a house, Johnny knew that things were going to get nasty.

Both Jaehyun and Doyoung were his friends. And as much as he’d tried to stay neutral, he couldn’t help but interfere when he thinks that one of them was going to do something they would regret.

“Isn’t there another way around this? You could share the house and keep this apartment. That works out quite nicely, don’t you think so?”

“I want him out of my life after this is over,” Doyoung says resolutely.

Johnny runs a hand down his face. If the court rules in favour of Doyoung having the house at the expense of losing everything else, Johnny had a terrible feeling that Doyoung would end up pushing away everyone in his life.

“You know, have you ever thought about it?”

Johnny stares at him, not quite comprehending his words. Doyoung has a distant look in his eyes as he plays with the toy penguin in his arms.

“You’re dating Taeyong,” he says as a matter-of-factly, and Johnny can tell where this is going.

“Look at what happened with Jaehyun and I,” Doyoung continues with a bitter smile. “Aren’t you afraid that things will go to shit if you and Taeyong ever break up?”

Johnny worries his bottom lip, letting the younger’s words sink in.

“Don’t get me wrong, Johnny. I’m just saying this as a friend, and as someone with experience. You love this company. You’ve been there since the start, just like I have. You can plan, but if things go wrong, you’re left with nothing. It’s up to you to pick up the pieces, put them together even if they don’t fit right anymore.”

“Taeyong loves his job, loves this town. If things turn sour between you guys, will you be willing to leave everything behind?” Doyoung wonders softly.

“I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to do that,” Johnny admits after the longest silence. “I can’t imagine what I’d do if I lost everything.”

Doyoung hugs the penguin tighter. “That’s exactly how I feel right now.”

+

**2018**

Jaehyun stares at the letter in his hands, words blurring until they make no sense.

_Dear Mr. Jung Jaehyun_

_We would like to extend our invitation to you to the Seoul Arts Federation scouting event, in which you have been selected among 1000 others as a promising young artist._

He’s shaking, he realises belatedly. From anger, disappointment, or hurt? He couldn’t really tell. He’s probably overreacting. But was he really, when the love of his life was keeping a secret so huge from him?

“Jae?”

He quickly hides the letter from view and takes a swig from his bottle of beer.

Doyoung toes his shoes off and treads carefully into the darkness. He finds his partner hunched over the dining table, a slight frown marring his features as he nurses his alcohol.

“Everything okay?”

Jaehyun nods absentmindedly, unable to meet Doyoung’s eyes. The older, sensing something was off, inches closer.

“You sure, babe?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun manages a smile even if it feels fake. “It’s just been a long day.”

“Tell me about it,” Doyoung sighs, chucking his bag onto one of the seats as he moves to pour himself a glass of water.

“Why did we agree to hire Haechan? That brat is such a pain in the ass, I swear. He talks too much and never seems to get any work done. You know, I had to redo…”

Jaehyun zones out as his husband launches into a story, occasionally responding with a hum or a “ _really?_ ”. It’s obvious he’s not giving his full attention but if Doyoung notices he doesn’t say anything about it.

It’s when Doyoung’s disappeared into the bedroom that Jaehyun takes out the letter he’d crumpled into his pocket.

There must be a reason why he’d found it chucked in the waste bin. Doyoung must have made a mistake, he tells himself. Because he refuses to believe that Doyoung would purposely sabotage his future like that. It’s all Jaehyun’s ever talked about. Why would Doyoung deny him the opportunity to achieve recognition in the industry?

As he lay in bed that night, watching Doyoung as he slept, Jaehyun wonders if the terrifying reality is that he has to spend the rest of his life with someone who was always going to stand in the way of his dreams.

+

**2020**

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Taeyong says, weeks later, when he opens his front door to find Doyoung standing there, a six-pack snuggled between his arm and chest.

He steps aside to let his friend inside, graciously accepting the alcohol.

“No reason for me not to,” Doyoung supplies as he makes himself comfortable on one of the single seater sofas.

Johnny and Yuta acknowledge his arrival with a distracted greeting, focus on the football match that’s well into its first half. Doyoung could care less about football despite his friends’ love for it. He would never admit it, but the only reason why he’d turned up was to escape the terrible silence of his own apartment. Most nights he finds solace in the quiet lull of his Spotify playlist. Some nights the loneliness makes him feel like he couldn’t breathe. Tonight had been one of those nights.

“How you holding up, Doie?” Yuta wonders, finally tearing his eyes away from the screen.

Doyoung shrugs as he helps himself to a can of beer. “I’m going through a divorce. It could be worse, but it’s not the end of the world.”

Yuta nods in understanding, popping a chip into his mouth. Doyoung’s quick witted, and he doesn’t hesitate when he catches Johnny throwing Yuta a look.

“Spit it out,” he snaps, setting down his can onto the table with more force than was probably necessary. Johnny looks like a deer caught in headlights, Yuta has an _I-told-you-so_ expression and Taeyong reappears from the kitchen with an exasperated sigh.

“Babe, what happened to having a nice evening?”

“Hear us out,” Johnny interjects, ignoring Taeyong. Doyoung glares at him, arms across his chest.

“It’s an intervention,” Yuta announces as a matter-of-factly. Doyoung guessed as much. Apart from Taeyong who looks apologetic for the most part, the rest of his friends stare him down as if they were going to war.

“Look, I don’t know why you guys think it’s crazy for me to want something of mine back,” Doyoung starts, moving to stand.

Yuta’s on his feet in an instant, shoving him back down onto the sofa despite Doyoung’s protests.

“You’re giving up on _everything_ for a _house_ ,” Yuta cries. “It’s a fucking _house_.”

Doyoung’s eyes are hard as he stares up at Yuta, anger radiating off him in waves.

“It’s not just a house,” he says angrily.

“You can find another,” Yuta reasons.

“I don’t expect any of you to understand,” Doyoung finally says, glancing away. Johnny knows Doyoung’s already starting to shut everyone out; knows it’s the younger’s defense mechanism.

“Try us,” Johnny challenges.

“You guys think I’m crazy,” Doyoung retorts.

“Not crazy, just—” Johnny bites his lip, looking to Taeyong for support.

Taeyong’s eyes narrow, lips set into a straight line. He refuses to have a part in any of this. He’d warned his boyfriend and Yuta earlier, before Doyoung turned up. Taeyong’s always had a soft spot for Doyoung and even when Johnny had repeatedly advised him to remain neutral, he couldn’t help but pick sides. He liked Jaehyun, but he was loyal to Doyoung.

“Insufferable,” Doyoung finishes for him.

There’s an odd look in his eyes but he conceals it with scorn. “So I’ve been told.”

“You know it’s not true,” Yuta says, quiet.

“Well, I’m sorry to prove you wrong but yes, I’m stubborn and want everything to go my way. So don’t expect me to back out of this.”

Doyoung stands, gathers his shit. “I don’t care if you don’t support my decisions. I just thought as my _friends,_ you would understand that this means everything to me.”

Yuta rolls his eyes, hands on hips as he looked on defiantly. It’s clear he doesn’t share the same sentiments, but much to Doyoung’s relief, he doesn’t say anything else. Johnny has half a mind to apologize, but Taeyong’s hand on his shoulder holds him back from doing anything. He needs time, it goes unsaid when Johnny meets Taeyong’s eyes.

All they can do is watch as Doyoung storms away.

+

**2018**

“Hey, you didn’t tell me you took up a project in Busan.”

Jaehyun freezes at Doyoung’s words but doesn’t look up. He plays it cool, pretending to appear nonchalant as he resumes the movement of his brush over the canvas with precise strokes. Doyoung frowns when he notices that Jaehyun’s doing it again.

“Are you ignoring me?” Doyoung wonders, voice tentative.

Jaehyun carefully dips his brush into the water. “Why would you think that?”

“You’ve been acting really weird the past few weeks. We’ve barely talked about anything that isn’t work. You’ve been having dinner outside, last week I had to find out from _Haechan_ that you were sleeping over at Yuta’s. Sometimes you don’t even reply my texts,” Doyoung lists carefully.

The reality sets in; he hadn’t expected it to hurt this much but he realises the true gravity of the situation having said them out loud.

“Did I… Did I do something to upset you?” Doyoung asks. “…you don’t even kiss me anymore.”

Jaehyun winces at that. Doyoung had always been blunt with his words. Not afraid to say what he feels.

“If you wanted a kiss you could have asked for one,” Jaehyun jokes with a small laugh. It only makes Doyoung frown.

“I don’t want to have to ask for my husband’s attention,” Doyoung snaps back. “You don’t even want to look me in the eyes.”

Jaehyun sighs, long and exasperated, as he sets his tool down and gets up from his stool.

“You want to talk, Doie? So talk. I’m here. What else do you want?” Jaehyun retorts in annoyance.

The younger’s words feel like a slap to his face, and Doyoung feels himself turn red in embarrassment.

“Not like this,” he says, shaking his head. Honestly he hadn’t expected for Jaehyun to act this way. It was so unlike him to be unkind for no reason.

“You demanded for my attention and now you’re just going to act like this?”

“Act like what?” Doyoung’s frown deepens.

“Like a _child_ , Doie.”

“We’re not having this conversation if you’re going to be like this,” Doyoung says, calm for someone who was close to lashing out. Ironically, Jaehyun seemed to be the one who’s being immature about it.

Doyoung’s about to leave when Jaehyun says something that makes his blood run cold.

“You threw away that letter from Seoul Arts Federation, didn’t you?”

Doyoung meets Jaehyun’s eyes, heart pounding when he notices the betrayal in his eyes.

“Is that what this is?” Doyoung asks, voice quiet.

“So, you knew about it?” Jaehyun says instead.

“Yes,” Doyoung replies after a moment’s hesitation. He sees Jaehyun’s face fall at the confession.

“You just thought you’d make a decision _for_ me?” Jaehyun laughs bitterly. He runs a hand through his hair and scoffs in disbelief.

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung tells him.

The glare he gets in reply makes him grimace.

“Are you really?” Jaehyun snorts. “It’s been weeks and you haven’t said a single word. You weren’t ever going to tell me, were you?”

“I was,” Doyoung insists, though he doesn’t believe it himself. “I was just. I was scared. I didn’t know what to tell you.”

Jaehyun looks at him as if he’s lost his mind. “You tell me that I have a shot at making my dreams come true. You’re my _husband_. Aren’t you supposed to be _happy_ for me?”

“I am,” Doyoung says. “But, god, Jae, don’t you understand? I did it for us.”

“Us?” Jaehyun gapes at him. “What the hell do you mean? You _know_ this is all I’ve ever wanted!”

“What?” Doyoung asks, hurt. “I’ve been with you since the start, Neo Murals wouldn’t even be here if there was no _us_.”

“Neo Murals has always been _your_ idea, Doyoung,” Jaehyun growls. “I had bigger dreams. Bigger than _you_ , bigger than us!”

Jaehyun’s words seemed to sober him up. Doyoung nods mutely as the realisation dawned on him.

“What are we, then?” Doyoung asks tiredly, fight leaving his body. “Are we just a stepping stone to those bigger dreams of yours you talk about? Those dreams that are worth more than what I’ll ever be to you?”

“You know that’s not what I mean,” Jaehyun snaps, “Don’t twist my words.”

“I know exactly what you mean, Jaehyun.”

“Well, then, if you do,” Jaehyun meets Doyoung’s eyes, “Why are you still holding me back?”

+

**2020**

Haechan carefully sets the mug of coffee on the table, eyeing the older man who merely ignores his presence as he continues to flip through the files.

“What do you want?” Doyoung asks, finally looking up when he sensed that his young employee showed no signs of leaving him alone.

“Just thought you’d like some coffee,” he replies casually.

“Thanks,” Doyoung says gruffly.

“Also, I’ve been wanting to try that new Italian restaurant that opened a few blocks away. Care to join me for lunch?” Haechan smiles hopefully.

Doyoung regards him with a frown. “I must really look like shit, don’t I?”

“Well…”

“Don’t answer that,” Doyoung snaps, though there’s no real anger. “Wait, Taeyong put you up to this, didn’t he?”

Haechan smiles weakly. “That, and the fact that you really look like you could use someone on your side.”

Doyoung stares at him dumbly. “Oh.”

A wave of emotion washes over him as he realises that it’s been weeks since his last real interaction with anyone. Taeyong and Johnny had left him several messages to check up on him but he hadn’t replied to any of them, assigning them work that didn’t require them to communicate with each other. Yuta had tried calling him but he’d let all the calls go to voicemail.

He knew it was terrible to push everyone away but Doyoung’s fought with himself so much that it was getting exhausting having to fight with everyone else, too. It wasn’t ideal, but putting some distance between himself and everyone else was the only way he knew how to focus on the endgame.

“I know I’m a terrible employee, and can be a pain in the ass, but I’m great company, you know?” Haechan says with a grin.

“I know,” Doyoung replies with a small smile.

“I never told you this, but I’ve always admired you as a person,” Haechan admits, almost shyly. It’s weird to see him like this, Doyoung thinks, when Haechan’s always been that annoyingly unabashed person in the office.

“You never take shit from anyone, and you have really great sense. Whatever decisions you make, you do it to survive,” Haechan continues, resting his weight on the corner of the table. “But sometimes it’s not a weakness for you to admit that you’re hurt. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing to own up to your mistakes and sort it out, start over. I don’t know what happened between you and Jaehyun hyung, but I think that maybe you’ve been burdened by so many of the secrets you’ve kept from him. You’d feel better if you came clean with him, once and for all. Not in reconciliation, but as a parting piece. Rip of the bandage. Then learn to heal.”

“I—” Doyoung stutters, stunned for words. “Thank you, Haechan. I think I really needed that.”

“No problem,” Haechan grins widely. “Just doing what I do best.”

“Also, Haechan, please get your ass off my table.”

+

Doyoung wants to scream in frustration when he realises that his keys don’t work on the door anymore.

After countless attempts, he lets out an angry cry and kicks at the door, which, he realises belatedly, was an extremely stupid move because all he earned was a sprained ankle. He stumbles, reaching out to hold the railings as he crouched to assess the damage he’d caused.

“I changed the locks.” Doyoung glares up at the owner of the voice. He tries to stand but yelps in pain when he puts his weight on the affected foot. A hand reaches out to steady him and he swats it away on instinct. He pretends not to notice the concern in Jaehyun’s eyes as the latter slowly retreats his hand.

“I can’t believe you,” Doyoung grits.

“The locks were getting old,” Jaehyun says with a shrug, shifting the bag of groceries from one arm to another.

“You expect me to believe that bullshit?”

Jaehyun sighs. “Can you stop that?”

“Stop what?” Doyoung challenges, annoyed.

“I can’t remember a time when you weren’t hostile with me,” Jaehyun tells him, carefully setting the bag down on the bench. He approaches the older with cautious steps, watching for his reaction. “Do you have to get angry at everything I say?”

“Trust me, you make it easy when you’re always doing shit like this,” Doyoung retorts, though he doesn’t flinch when Jaehyun bends down at his feet and takes the ankle into his hands.

“Does it hurt when I do this?”

“Do what— _ow_! Fuck!” Doyoung screams, arms flailing in the air when he loses grip on the railing. Jaehyun grabs him by the arms, dragging him to sit on the bench.

“This is all your fault,” Doyoung moans.

“You’re the one who tried to break into my home,” Jaehyun reminds him with a scoff.

Doyoung lets out an annoyed huff. He’s so tired of having to argue with someone who just didn’t want to see any sense.

“Are you going to let me in?” Doyoung demands.

Jaehyun regards him for a moment before he finally nods. “Okay.”

+

**2018**

**JOHNNYSEO:** did Jae call or text you? _21:12_

 **JUNG-KIMDOYOUNG:** No? Did something happen? _21:13_

 **JUNG-KIMDOYOUNG:** Hyung?? _21:33_

_Missed call from Jung-KimDoyoung. 21:40_

_Missed call from Jung-KimDoyoung. 21:55_

_Missed call from Jung-KimDoyoung. 22:14_

“I’m freaking out,” Doyoung says as soon as the call connects.

 _“It’s fine, Doie, Johnny says it’s nothing to worry about,”_ Taeyong replies in a soothing tone.

“He talked to you but couldn’t answer any of my calls?” Doyoung cries.

 _“Um, well, it’s just that. Jaehyun’s drunk,”_ Taeyong admits.

“What?” Doyoung frowns, cradling the phone close to his ear. “Jae never gets drunk.”

 _“Yeah…”_ Taeyong says. _“That’s why Johnny panicked for a bit. But it’s all good, really. He found him a while ago and he’s gonna call for an uber after Yuta gets back from the bathroom.”_

“I can’t believe he got drunk,” Doyoung murmurs as he picked at the skin on his finger out of anxiety.

_“Don’t beat yourself up over it, Doie. He just needed an outlet for his frustrations.”_

Doyoung sighs. “He must be really mad at me…”

+

**2020**

“Stay there,” Jaehyun instructs, moving to set the groceries on the counter before disappearing into the room. Doyoung turns to look at the mural. It was different from what he’d seen weeks ago. There was nothing but an empty wall now, filled with rough, ugly patches, in what was a desperate attempt to get rid of what was once there.

Jaehyun reappears with a box of first aid, kneeling down in front of him as he gets to work. Doyoung watches him in silence, wincing every now and then as Jaehyun wraps his ankle with a bandage.

Doyoung lets himself drown in the way Jaehyun frowns in concentration, the softness in his eyes, the way his tongue comes out to lick at his lips. His dimples dig deep even when there’s no smile. Doyoung’s taken back to a time when everything was perfect. A time where he would have given everything to stay close to this man before him, keep him near. It feels too familiar, and he lets himself relax into the touch.

He glances away when it suddenly gets overwhelming. His eyes catch sight of the emptiness of the wall, a lifetime of memories gone, and it’s all it takes for the tears to spill.

“Does it hurt that badly?” Jaehyun asks with a pause, taken aback when he notices the tears. Doyoung nods, lips pressed into a thin line as his grip on his jeans tightens. He wants to say that it hurts. Everything hurts, and he doesn’t know how he can move on from this.

But he doesn’t say anything, and lets the tears fall.

“It’ll be okay soon,” Jaehyun tells him quietly, glancing up at the older through his bangs. “Everything will be okay.”

+

**2018**

Doyoung zips up the last bag, lines it carefully at the front door.

At the same time, he hears a car pull up at the front of the house. He opens the door and sees Jaehyun stumble out of the black suv.

“I’ll come get the rest of my things tomorrow,” Doyoung tells him coldly as he starts to load the bags into the back of the car.

He catches sight of Johnny staring at him through the rear-view mirror, a remorseful look on his face. Beside him, Jaehyun quietly helps him with the rest of his bags.

“Can we talk?” Jaehyun wonders uncertainly. Doyoung shuts the boot of the car and steels himself as he turns to face the younger.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Doyoung says, voice steady. For a moment, Doyoung thinks that maybe Jaehyun’s going to argue, tell him what happened last night was a mistake and that he was going to fix it no matter what it takes. But all he does is to shift uncomfortably, nodding his head in easy defeat.

Doyoung doesn’t spare him another glance as he slides into the passenger seat and slams the door shut.

“Doie,” Johnny calls.

“ _Just_ ,” Doyoung says with a sigh. “Can we just go?”

Johnny nods, starting the engine and driving off without another word.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny says when they’re parked in front of Doyoung’s apartment complex.

“It’s not your fault,” Doyoung replies quietly, staring at his hands in his lap.

“I shouldn’t have brought him out to drink,” Johnny continues regretfully despite Doyoung’s words. “He was just so upset about everything that’s been happening, and I thought maybe he just needed to unwind a little.”

“You were being a friend to him,” Doyoung reassures him.

“I didn’t know he was going to get so wasted,” Johnny runs a hand through his hair with a sigh.

“He never does,” Doyoung reminds him.

“I shouldn’t have let him get into that cab.” Johnny groans at the memory. He doesn’t know how he’d let it happen. He was older than any one of them. He’d always been the one to look out for them. “I fucked up, I really did.”

“He says he didn’t sleep with her,” Johnny tells him, holding his gaze. He has a pleading look in his eyes but Doyoung wasn’t going to waver.

“I don’t care if he did,” Doyoung says, glancing away. “He kissed her, didn’t he?”

Johnny hesitates. “I’m not sure,” he admits. “But even if he did, you know it didn’t mean anything.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Doyoung says, voice choking as he blinks away the sudden tears. “It’s over.”

+

**2020**

“He did what?”

Doyoung leans forward, frowning as he stares at his lawyer.

She merely smiles, flipping through a file before sliding it towards him.

“The beach house will be all yours in a few months’ time,” she reiterates with a reassuring smile. “As little as two months, even.”

Doyoung lets his eyes skim over the document, the legalities making his head spin. “He sold his share?” Doyoung asks again for confirmation. Honestly, he couldn’t believe what he’s hearing.

“Yes. His lawyer sent me these last night. You get to keep your share in the company, your apartment, and the beach house.”

“He will live there until the deadline for the papers.”

“What about the company?”

“It says here,” she points at a paragraph with a pen with a click of her tongue, “That he’ll be selling his shares to a Mr. Johnny Suh.”

Doyoung takes in a deep breath, nodding as he read it over and over. It was a lot to take in.

He stares down at his bandaged foot and lets out a heavy sigh.

+

A box of chocolates slowly slides into his view and Doyoung looks up to see an apologetic Johnny towering in front of him. Doyoung stares at the sweet treat before turning his attention to the older with a questioning look.

“What’s this?”

“A peace offering,” Johnny replies with a small smile.

“For what?”

“You’re still mad at me – us,” Johnny says as a matter-of-factly.

Doyoung shakes his head, going back to work. “I’m not.”

“Well, you were.”

“I wasn’t,” Doyoung insists. He sneaks a look at Johnny who merely raises an eyebrow in doubt. He hadn’t expected Johnny to believe him, anyway.

“Then why have you ignored everyone for the past month?” Johnny probes, sliding into the seat opposite. He leans in, elbows resting on the table.

“I…” A lie was about to make its way out but Doyoung knows it’s a futile attempt. Johnny wasn’t going to rest until he forces the truth out of him.

“Fine,” he concedes. “I was. But I’m not mad anymore. I swear.”

“Good,” Johnny says. “Because Taeyong’s at his wit’s end and he was planning on marching over to your place tonight to literally beg for your forgiveness.”

Doyoung rolls his eyes with a laugh. “I wasn’t even half as mad at him as I was at you and Yuta.”

Johnny chuckles fondly at the thought of his partner. “Bless him.”

“So,” Johnny begins. Doyoung slowly puts away his work, bracing himself for the questions. He’s pretty sure Johnny has a clue of what’s happening, especially since it involves him.

“He talked to you, didn’t he?” Doyoung asks.

“Yeah,” he says. He clasps his hands together and worries his bottom lip.

“Did he say why?”

Part of him wants to tell Johnny that Jaehyun’s probably decided to let Neo Murals go because he never wanted it in the first place, but the more rational part of him knew that Jaehyun loved Neo Murals despite everything he’s said.

“Why he decided to sell his share of the company?”

Doyoung nods in acknowledgement. He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before, thinking about the possible reasons as to why his estranged husband would change his mind. He’d come up with nothing.

“We had a long talk last night,” Johnny tells him truthfully. “He came over. Told me he has other plans. He didn’t say what, but he did say that he trusts that I would do a good job with the company.”

“Did he also tell you he was giving up the beach house?”

The shock on Johnny’s face is enough to let Doyoung know that it was news to the older.

“My lawyer called me in yesterday,” Doyoung explains, still trying to wrap his head around everything that has unfolded in the last twenty-four hours. “He’s going to live there till the divorce is finalized, then he’ll move out.”

The ‘a _nd out of my life’_ , remains unsaid.

“I wonder what made him change his mind,” Johnny says pensively.

“I cried in front of him,” Doyoung confesses after the longest pause. 

“You cried,” Johnny repeats as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “In front of him.”

Doyoung flushes in embarrassment. It sounds stupid when Johnny says it like that.

“I was emotional,” Doyoung says defensively as if it was enough of an explanation. Now that he reflects upon it, he realises it _had_ been a tad bit dramatic.

“What did he do to make you cry?” Johnny asks, but regrets as soon as the words leave his mouth. It was a bit of a sore topic, especially since the last time he’s seen the younger anywhere close to tears had been _that_ night.

“Well, for starters, he changed the lock to the doors and I ended up with a sprained ankle,” Doyoung lifts his leg such that his silly looking bandaged ankle is on full display. Johnny can’t help but to laugh.

“You tried to break down the doors to your own house?” Johnny asks in between laughter. Doyoung frowns, leaning over to pinch him on the shoulder.

“That hurts!” Johnny yelps.

“Serves you right, asshole.”

“So you really cried because of a sprained ankle that was of _your_ own doing?”

“Well, not exactly,” Doyoung bites his lip. “He helped me with the bandage. And— I don’t know,” he glances away, eyes glazing over from the memory of the look in Jaehyun’s eyes.

“I think I was just emotional. It’s been a terrible few weeks without you guys. Between the stress of the divorce and arguing with Jaehyun over the house, I just felt like I was losing. And you know me. I hate losing.”

Johnny looks at him as if he’s expecting more but when Doyoung doesn’t say anything else, he lets up.

“Don’t push us away again,” Johnny tells him softly.

“I won’t,” Doyoung promises.

+

He sees Jaehyun again a week later.

His estranged husband is there when Doyoung comes into work at nine in the morning, surrounded by boxes. Jaehyun looks up and greets him with a quiet good morning but goes back to packing his stuff without another word. Doyoung pauses, opens his mouth to say something but decides against it and stalks towards his desk instead.

Pretending Jaehyun doesn’t exist, Doyoung finds, is more difficult than it’s ever been.

Everyone else starts to slowly stream into the office and the silence is replaced by quiet chattering. News of Jaehyun’s departure from the company had been confirmed by Jaehyun himself a few days back, and although everyone had expressed their sadness to see him go, he’d received an overwhelming stream of support and well-wishes from the office.

“You’re coming for the going-away party, aren’t you?” Taeyong had asked him the day before. Doyoung hadn’t made any promises but he figures it wouldn’t be an entirely terrible idea if he _did_ turn up. 

The office is empty again at lunch time and Doyoung looks up to see that he’s left alone again with Jaehyun. Doyoung contemplates the idea in his head, sneaking glances at Jaehyun who was kneeled on the ground, transferring a bunch of files into opened boxes.

 _Fuck it,_ Doyoung thinks before he stands up and slowly makes his way towards him. He clears his throat, shifting awkwardly when Jaehyun looks up with a questioning gaze.

“I believe this is yours,” Doyoung says, holding out a box that held a fountain pen.

Jaehyun rises to his feet, stares uncertainly at the outreached item.

“You can have it,” Jaehyun tells him. It was an expensive pen. Jaehyun had bought it for himself a few years back but only managed to use it a few times before Doyoung ‘borrowed’ it. Jaehyun had always given him flak for it but he’d never asked for it back.

“No, you should have it back,” Doyoung tells him, setting it on the table instead. Jaehyun stares at the box for a moment before he turns to look at Doyoung. As usual, there’s an unreadable expression on his face.

“Listen, Doyoung,” Jaehyun begins, “I’m not going to hold you to anything. You can have the beach house, no strings attached. I’m not going to sneak an attack on you or anything like that. You have my word for it, alright?”

Doyoung hadn’t realised he’d been holding his breath. He lets it out slowly, feeling himself nod at those words. Jaehyun presses the box back into his hands and makes a beeline for the door.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung calls before his courage could slip away. Jaehyun pauses and Doyoung waits with bated breath as he turns. “Thank you.”

Jaehyun nods, smiling weakly.

Doyoung does end up going to the party.

Despite the lack of words, their exchange earlier had brought about some kind of an understanding which, in turn, made Doyoung feel like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

For the first time in months, Doyoung finds himself free of worries.

It’s hard to ignore Jaehyun when their party is made up of the small, tight-knit company they have. But things aren’t as awkward as Doyoung had thought it would be when Haechan and Yuta does all the talking.

Every now and then Doyoung finds himself sneaking glances at Jaehyun who genuinely looks like he’s having fun.

For a moment, everything feels like it used to be.

And then Jaehyun is laughing again, and Doyoung takes another swig of his alcohol to drown out the sound.

+

Doyoung sighs when he stumbles outside and sees that he’s not the only one who needed some fresh air. His head feels heavy with alcohol. He’d definitely had a bit too much to drink. Jaehyun stubs out the cigarette he’d been smoking as soon as he sees him.

“I was just heading back inside.” Jaehyun shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket. Doyoung gags slightly at the smell of nicotine that lingers. He’d hated it but tried his best to understand when Jaehyun had admitted that it helped with his art.

“You know that we can never be friends, right?” Doyoung suddenly says as a matter-of-factly, meeting his gaze, swaying slightly on his feet. He doesn’t know why he’s said that. He feels like his body isn’t his own, the words falling from his lips uncontrollably.

“Don’t worry, I got the message,” Jaehyun replies with a roll of his eyes. “You’ve been eager to let it show at every chance you get.”

“Mmm,” Doyoung starts conversationally. He licks his lips, tasting the remnants of alcohol. “I forgave you for it a long time ago.”

“Have you?” Jaehyun doesn’t seem convinced.

“Yes,” Doyoung says defiantly. He doesn’t believe it himself.

“How could you forgive me if we’ve never talked about it? You left, you didn’t even want to hear what I had to say.”

“Because there was nothing to say,” Doyoung says, voice growing louder.

Jaehyun shakes his head, an unamused laugh leaving his lips.

“We’re just running around in circles. Don’t you see? It’s getting exhausting, fighting with you. I just can’t figure you out. I would think that you’re glad that I’m gonna be out of your life, but you keep coming back and trying to pick a fight with me. What do you want, Doie? Honestly.”

Doyoung feels himself deflate as the realisation hits him. “I don’t know.”

“But don’t you think you’re expecting too much from me?” Doyoung feels his eyes burn with unshed tears. “You _cheated_ on me. How am I supposed to let that go?”

“How am I supposed to let go of the fact that I was, _am,_ difficult to love?”

Jaehyun’s eyes are strangely wet when he holds his gaze.

“Do you really think I could have cheated on you?” he asks quietly.

“It doesn’t matter what I think anymore,” Doyoung says stubbornly.

Jaehyun nods, glancing away. “I loved you for years. You drove me crazy at times, but there wasn’t a moment where I didn’t love you. I loved you in spite of your flaws. In fact, you weren’t my Dongyoung without your flaws. I thought you’d know better.”

Doyoung freezes at those words. Jaehyun hadn’t called him that in the longest time and he would be lying if he said it didn’t feel sentimental. Jaehyun had always loved calling him Dongyoung instead of the nickname he’d given himself.

“Whatever,” Doyoung says angrily. The alcohol was starting to get to him. “Nothing changes what you did.”

“I didn’t cheat on you,” Jaehyun murmurs. “She tried to kiss me, I pushed her off. Johnny only saw us getting into that cab together. I was drunk but I knew what I was doing. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me but I knew it would break you if I went through with it. I got off and walked to Johnny's apartment to sober up. I know you don’t believe me but I just—I needed you to know that.”

“Why do you think I’ve never been with anyone else since we broke up?”

Jaehyun’s words ring clear in his head. He’d been so blinded by his own hurt he’d never stopped to think about anything else. He’d been on a few dates himself, trying to drown out the hurt, to try and move on, but Taeyong had constantly dropped subtle hints about Jaehyun’s lonesome life. How he hadn’t found someone to replace him.

“Then why did you wait all this time to tell me that?” Doyoung challenges. His head is spinning.

“I was angry at you,” Jaehyun admits. “I wanted to talk things through, but you just shut me out and decided that we weren’t worth the fight.”

“I would have fought for us if you’d given me a chance,” Jaehyun tells him honestly.

Doyoung nods, curling in on himself and wrapping an arm around his waist as he lets his head sink into a hand. He feels nauseas at the revelation.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Doyoung suddenly says, feeling the bile rise in the back of his throat. Jaehyun doesn’t look away when he throws up, reaching out to gently rub his back instead.

“I know I’ve said some mean things,” Doyoung hiccups, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He feels delirious when he whispers, “But you know I’ll always love you, Jae.”

He doesn’t know if he’s said it, or if Jaehyun’s heard it if he had said them out loud.

“Doyoung?” Taeyong appears with a frown. “What’s going on?”

“Oh my god, did you puke?”

Jaehyun lets go as soon as Taeyong has an arm wrapped around his waist.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

+

Doyoung shuffles awkwardly through the crowd.

He’d regretted it as soon as he’d stepped inside the hall. Despite dressing in a suit, he feels terribly out of place.

Taking a deep breath, he tries to shake off the uncomfortable feeling and starts to make his way towards the art pieces that hung from the walls.

The first one he sees is one he recognises right away. It looks like nothing much, a mix of orange and blue to the untrained eye, but he knows what it represents.

Someone once told him it was a sunset.

He walks through the gallery alone, eyes lingering on each display. Most he’s seen, others he hasn’t. It’s a strange feeling to see it on those white walls. They look expensive but Doyoung feels sentimental at the memories that tie to each of them. He accepts a flute of champagne from one of the wandering waiters and drinks half of it in one sitting.

He flits past several people into a considerably quieter corner where he finds himself looking at a painting of an ocean. He hasn’t seen this one before. He glances at the title.

‘ _home, 2015.’_

“Doie.”

He turns at the sound of his name. Taeyong is dressed immaculately from head to toe, his hair styled back. He looks like a doll and, unlike him, fits right into the scene.

“Your shoes.” Taeyong grimaces at the sight but says nothing else.

“Have you seen him yet?”

“No,” Doyoung replies, scanning the room once more. He doesn’t know if he _wants_ to be found. It’s taken everything in him to give into Taeyong’s relentless pleads for him to be his plus one for the event after Johnny bailed at the last minute to fly back to the States for a family emergency.

But part of him was curious, after all.

“Oh, wait, look, there he is.”

Doyoung’s eyes trail into the direction Taeyong is pointing to in excitement. Sure enough, he finds himself staring at Jaehyun who’s standing at the far end of the room, a glass in his hand. Everyone turns their attention towards him and he regards them with a confident smile.

“Thank you to everyone who’s made it tonight.” Jaehyun’s eyes scan the crowd and his smile falters when he locks eyes with Doyoung. It’s obvious he hadn’t expected to see him.

“A year ago…” Jaehyun glances away. “A year ago, I was thrilled that the Federation thought my work was worth an exhibition of its own. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to accept their invitation. But I’m more than happy that the Federation’s impression of my work remains unchanged, and that they decided to reach out again this year.”

“A lot has changed in the past year but one thing has always been the same. Expressing myself through art has always been a way of life for me. I can’t imagine living without it. Earlier, someone asked me what my favourite piece is. It’s a tough one, but _home, 2015_ will always have a special place in my heart. There’s more to the story, like every painting always does, but I’d like to keep that for myself.”

“I’m happy to be able to share this with everyone, and… and I hope my art helps you find what you’re looking for.”

“On that note, I won’t keep you any longer,” Jaehyun said with a chuckle. “Enjoy the rest of the night, everyone.”

The room fills with applause as the crowd breaks up, the quiet sound of chattering filling the room once more. Jaehyun greets a few patrons, laughing politely as they engaged in conversation.

Doyoung finally peels his eyes away, staring down pensively into his glass for a moment before he lifts it to his lips and downs the last of it.

“He’s really talented,” Doyoung murmurs. Beside him, Taeyong freezes as if he hadn’t expected such a remark from him.

“Well, he always has been,” Taeyong offers, not really sure where the conversation is headed.

“And I took that away from him.”

“You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself, Doie.” Taeyong pulls him into a hug. “Everyone has insecurities.”

“What I did was really fucked up, though,” Doyoung says with a derisive laugh.

Taeyong comforts with a squeeze to his shoulder. “You should let him know.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t want anything to do with me after all the mess I’ve made.”

“You should be honest with him,” Taeyong tells him.

His words linger on his mind for the rest of the night. Taeyong wishes him luck before he leaves.

Doyoung wanders into the back, a storeroom of sorts, tired from having to pretend he had a place in here. It’s quieter than it is outside, but it only makes the thoughts in his head louder.

He doesn’t know how long he’d been waiting, sitting on the ground, leaning into the wall as he stared at the boxes piled around until the door opens and he finds Jaehyun stumbling into the room as if he’d been looking for him.

Doyoung holds his gaze, unspeaking.

“I thought you left,” Jaehyun tells him, confirming his thoughts. Doyoung stands, dusts off his pants.

“What—What are you doing here?”

He’s not mad, just confused as he regards Doyoung with curiosity.

“Taeyong asked me to come.”

Jaehyun nods, bites his lips.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the exhibition?” Doyoung wonders, words leaving before he could stop them.

Jaehyun stares at him with an incredulous look in his eyes.

“No, it’s fine, forget I asked,” Doyoung says quickly before Jaehyun answers. It sounds stupid when he’s said it out loud. Why would Jaehyun tell him, anyway? This was the very reason they’d even fought in the first place.

They hadn’t seen each other since that night at the party but Doyoung remembers every word exchanged in detail. Remembers confessing that he’s never stopped loving him, even if Jaehyun doesn’t know.

“Jae…” Doyoung begins, feeling his chest fill with courage. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“It’s fine.”

“I don’t want to fight with you anymore,” Doyoung whispers, staring down at his shoes. They were his old Nike’s. He hadn’t bothered with dress shoes. In the back of his mind he wonders if Jaehyun’s embarrassed that he’s turned up like this.

“It’s hard, pretending I don’t love you, or that the sight of you makes me want to tear my hair out. Sometimes, I think about you and all the things I’ve said. I wish I could go back and change things. I just want to give up and stop this, whatever _this_ is. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I’m not the way I am, then maybe we wouldn’t have had this stupid fight—I just—"

Doyoung gasps when Jaehyun suddenly steps forward, grabbing his arm roughly. For a second, Doyoung is terrified, staring into Jaehyun’s eyes and wondering what’s on his mind, anticipating his next move.

But then Jaehyun’s leaning in and there are lips on his own. Jaehyun’s tongue swipes over his lips and Doyoung lets them part without question, surrendering completely to the kiss. Jaehyun kisses him with a sense of hunger he’s never known. It’s been a while, but Jaehyun remembers the way he likes to be kissed and his body reacts to every touch like before. At some point his hands come to rest in the dip of Jaehyun’s waist and there are hands cradling his face, a thumb rubbing soothingly against the skin at the corner of his mouth.

“I haven’t been with anyone,” Doyoung says, breathless when they finally pull away. He’s fucking terrified, but Jaehyun’s touch is familiar. Safe. His gaze is warm, like an anchor keeping him grounded.

“I have,” Jaehyun admits dejectedly, licking his lips. Doyoung feels odd at the confession. The thought that someone else has had Jaehyun like that makes him upset.

“It was only one time. I haven’t been with anyone else since.”

Doyoung nods as his hands fall away, glancing away in contemplation. Jaehyun is regarding him curiously when he looks up. He reaches out for Jaehyun’s hand, intertwines their fingers together.

“Come home with me.” It’s not a question, but a request.

Jaehyun doesn’t miss a beat when he says, “Okay.”

+

The ride to Doyoung’s apartment is silent but Jaehyun keeps their fingers intertwined as they sit in the back of an uber. Doyoung keeps his eyes on the world outside, watching the blur of lights in quiet anticipation and longing.

They’re kissing again when the door closes behind them. They don’t bother with the lights, and Doyoung has his hands in Jaehyun’s hair as he slowly leads into the bedroom. Their lips stay connected as Doyoung fall backwards into his bed, one he’d spent far too many nights in alone. Jaehyun peels off their clothes with increasing desperation, and before long, he’s working him open with three impatient fingers, swallowing every moan that falls from Doyoung’s lips.

“I don’t have a condom,” Doyoung tells him when Jaehyun pulls away to rest on his knees. He hadn’t needed one, had no use for it.

“Oh,” Jaehyun says thinkingly. “We can—”

“I don’t mind,” Doyoung says softly. He wonders if Jaehyun can see the desperation in his eyes.

“I… You can fuck me without.”

Jaehyun looks like he wants to say something else but swallows hard and decides against it, nodding mutely instead. Jaehyun hovers over him, kissing him slowly. He pulls away, holds his hips in place and enters him in one swift motion.

Doyoung can’t help the quiet groan that escapes his lips at the pain that shoots up his spine. He holds his breath, reveling in the way his muscles start to slowly relax to make way for Jaehyun inside.

Doyoung feels Jaehyun still for a moment before there are kisses trailing down the side of his neck.

“Does it hurt?” Jaehyun murmurs against his skin. He looks up and brushes the hair out of Doyoung’s eyes. From the look on his face, Doyoung can tell he’s trying his best not to give into the tight heat and move.

Doyoung hesitates, reaching up to cup Jaehyun’s cheek for a second before moving to smooth the crease in his forehead. He’s overwhelmed by the emotions in Jaehyun’s eyes as the younger stares down at him.

“A little,” he finally admits in a whisper. But the burn is nice. The ache makes everything feel real. That Jaehyun is here and everything was going to be okay.

Jaehyun leans in, kisses him in distraction as he slowly starts to move. The pace picks up after a few thrusts and Jaehyun leans in to capture his lips in a slow kiss.

“Go fast,” Doyoung tells him as soon as the burn fades. “ _Please_.”

Jaehyun nods frantically, obediently picking up his pace. His thrusts come hard and heavy, the weight on Doyoung’s hips making him feel delirious. Doyoung comes without a warning, sobbing as the feeling overwhelms him. Jaehyun slows down for a moment, afraid of hurting Doyoung but the older grabs his hips and sets the pace again.

“Don’t stop.” Doyoung begs despite the growing sensitivity. He needs to feel it, needs to feel Jaehyun fall apart in his arms again.

“ _I’m_ —” Jaehyun gasps.

“Come on,” Doyoung coaxes, kissing his jaw even as they move up the bed. “That’s it.”

Jaehyun comes with a quiet grunt, thrusts slowing as he rides out his orgasm. Doyoung holds him close as he falls apart, shaking uncontrollably.

“I got you,” Doyoung murmurs against the shell of his ear, heart hammering in his chest. He stares up at the ceiling as he slows his breathing and waits for Jaehyun to come down from his high.

It had been a year too long, and everything had been over far too quickly.

Doyoung realises, with Jaehyun heavy in his arms, that there are tears streaming down his cheeks. A hand that’s not his own reaches up to wipe them away even when they keep coming.

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, just looks at him like he used to. They lie in silence for the longest time. Eventually the position becomes uncomfortable and sticky, and Jaehyun pulls away, dresses himself and stumbles quietly into the bathroom.

He reappears with a cloth in hand and cleans Doyoung. Jaehyun sinks at the edge of the bed once he's done, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to be close but knowing they needed to talk. Doyoung feels himself shiver from the lack of touch. He retreats under the sheets, wraps them tight around his frame.

As the silence stretches on, the implication of their actions becomes increasingly sobering and Doyoung wonders if he’s made a huge mistake.

Jaehyun had been ready to give it all up.

He’d signed the papers, surrendered the life he’d once had. 

He had been ready to move on from Doyoung.

“You should leave,” Doyoung breaks the silence, voice barely above a whisper as the reality sinks in.

“What?” Jaehyun looks like he’d been blindsided.

“Whatever this was—”

“You think it was a mistake,” Jaehyun finishes angrily. Doyoung finally looks up.

“It’s some kind of closure,” Doyoung corrects him, swallowing hard. “You and I both know it's not going to change anything.”

 _I’ll still be hard to love,_ is what he thinks.

Jaehyun jumps to his feet in frustration, pacing at the foot of the bed.

“So that’s it? You decide for us.” Jaehyun pauses with a glare. “We don’t even get to talk about it?”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t, or you just don’t care?”

“You know it’s not like that,” Doyoung says, frustration building.

“Is that all you can say, Doie?” Jaehyun snaps in agitation. “You had a _breakdown,_ let me make love to you—”

“We weren’t making love!” Doyoung screams. Jaehyun recoils as if he’d been burned.

He nods slowly, as if understanding the situation.

“You said you were tired of fighting,” Jaehyun says wearily. “You let me in and then shut me out. I don’t know what you want from me. It’s tiring, trying to figure you out. Loving you is exhausting.”

“Then just leave, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says in quiet anger. “No one’s asking you to stay.”

It pains him to say those words but he doesn’t know what’s next. He can’t see what lies ahead and it scares him. It feels like he’s trapped in a room with no way out, feels like the walls are closing in on him and he has no idea what his next move should be.

But there’s a voice in his head telling him that if they keep this up he’s only going to get hurt again. So the words leave his mouth even if his heart hasn’t spoken.

Once again Jaehyun’s face is void of emotions. Doyoung thinks back to that day Jaehyun left without a fight. The way his heart had ached.

He feels like he’s reliving it as he watches Jaehyun leave without a word.

+

Doyoung doesn’t leave his house for a week until it’s finally time to sign the papers.

He doesn’t want to be alone, so Taeyong turns up at his apartment and keeps him company.

“Johnny has the truck ready. If we leave early, we can catch him before he leaves.”

Doyoung knows it’s only another way of saying that he has time to change his mind. He thinks of everything he’s said. Everything he’s done.

“I can feel you judging me,” Doyoung says with a sigh as he pulls on his cardigan.

“I have every right to judge you,” Taeyong replies as a matter-of-factly. “You’re the smartest person I know, Doie, but you have insecurities the size of fucking Texas. Add stubborn to that mix and we’re stuck with a problem that could have easily been solved if you’d just _tell_ Jaehyun what’s on your mind.”

“What’s wrong with me?” Doyoung wonders, feeling a little angry. Taeyong did have a point. “I _always_ know what I want. But lately I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Love makes you do stupid shit,” Taeyong says with a shrug.

“That, and you think that you _can’t_ have what you want,” Taeyong simply says. “But if you’re not honest with Jaehyun, he will never know. He’s not a mind-reader, Doie. He’s just a person who wants to learn how to love you right.”

Taeyong’s words resonate in his mind as they make their way to the beach house. The papers are tucked away in his bag. It’s nauseating to think that it could make him lose everything.

The beach house comes into sight as their uber pulls into the driveway. It’s funny to think that from the time he’d met Jaehyun, till their marriage and separation, between all the fights and misunderstandings, the beach house has been a constant in their lives.

The beach house that he’d fought hard to keep.

The driveway is empty when they arrive. There are tire marks in the sand from where Johnny’s truck had been.

“Oh, we missed them,” Taeyong remarks sadly. Doyoung doesn’t say anything, walking up the wooden steps in silence.

It was all his. But it doesn’t feel like it.

Doyoung makes his way inside, past the front hallway. The first thing he sees is the wall covered in a sheet. He steps closer and notices the post-it note by the side.

_‘i'm sorry.’_

Heart beating in his chest, Doyoung tears the sheet until it comes down in waves.

Beside him, Taeyong gasps.

The wall isn’t empty anymore. There, on the wall, is a mural of him laughing in different shades of blue.

_Ocean eyes._

Doyoung remembers that day. They’d moved in, Jaehyun had taken a polaroid of him and told him he could trust him.

“Doie?” Taeyong is there in an instant.

Doyoung hadn’t realised he’s shaking until Taeyong holds him close.

“Call him,” Taeyong says.

Doyoung doesn’t know how but suddenly his phone is against his ear, and the call connects with a click after the first ring.

There’s silence on the other line but Doyoung can hear his soft breathing.

“I wasn’t honest with you,” Doyoung murmurs, wiping the tears. “I-I haven’t been for the longest time.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you enough to know that you would choose us over anything else. I was afraid. So afraid, that you would stop seeing past my flaws.”

“I know it’s hard to understand, and you’ve spent years having to deal with it. And it’s unfair of me to want you even after all the shit I’ve said. I didn’t mean any of that. I was scared. I’m terrified when things don’t go the way I thought it would…”

Doyoung slowly lets out the breath he’d been holding. “I just thought you were ready to move on, and it would be better if I let you go.”

Doyoung waits with bated breath, holding the phone closer. The call suddenly disconnects and he’s left with nothing but the beeping sound.

“He hung up…”

Taeyong hugs him tighter.

Eventually Taeyong leads him to the sofa. The sight of the mural is too much to bear so he turns to face away instead.

“Do you want something to drink? I’ll get it for you.”

Doyoung shakes his head, grabbing his hand instead. “Can you just stay here with me?”

Taeyong’s about to say something in reply when they hear the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway.

Doyoung’s heart races as they hear footsteps creaking on the floorboards. It’s a dangerous thing to hope, but Doyoung feels his heart soar when he sees Jaehyun appear in the doorway. He rises to his feet, unable to tear his eyes away from the man.

“I’m here,” Jaehyun murmurs, swallowing hard.

“You’re here,” Doyoung echoes, heart in his mouth as Taeyong slips away.

“…I listened to every word you said.”

Doyoung nods, licking his lips.

“I’m proud of you,” Doyoung tells him thickly. “I’m—I’m sorry I never told you.”

“Thank you,” Jaehyun tells him softly.

“I haven’t signed the papers,” Doyoung suddenly says. They had been sitting untouched for weeks.

“I haven’t signed them either. I didn’t want to until I absolutely had to,” Jaehyun tells him. “I was holding on until the end, hoping you’d change your mind.”

Doyoung’s mind races at the confession. He can’t believe, that after all this time, Jaehyun is still here. Still figuring out how to love him.

He licks his lips, contemplative.

“We were both hurt from whatever that’s happened between us. I wanted the beach house to spite you, but then… then I found that polaroid I took of you on that day we moved in together. We had been so happy then. You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and I swear it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I wouldn’t trade you for anything else, Doie.”

“I wish you’d have seen that.”

“I know I’ve been selfish, but let me be just this one last time,” Doyoung says, voice barely above a whisper. “Let me have you.”

Jaehyun steps forward, reaching out to cup his cheek. He leans in and presses a soft kiss to his lips.

“You always have.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

“You do the honours,” Jaehyun says as he holds out the plaque.

The words _Jung-Kim Jaehyun, h_ _onorary member of the Seoul Arts Federation_ are inscribed on it.

It’s been several months since they’ve reconciled, but this has been a long time coming. In fact, it’s _years_ overdue.

Doyoung graciously accepts it and sets it on the shelf beside the mural. It glints as the sunlight catches on it.

“Our home is finally complete,” Jaehyun says, sighing dramatically.

"I'm proud of you," Doyoung says, beaming as he kisses him on the cheek.

Jaehyun pauses when he catches sight of something that wasn’t supposed to be there.

“Hey, did you write something on the walls?”

Jaehyun moves closer to inspect. He reaches out, tracing the words scribbled in ink beside the mural.

_'Jung-Kim Jaehyun.’_

Doyoung can already see the tears in Jaehyun’s eyes as he laughs.

_‘Will you have me for the rest of our lives?’_

+

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ♡ :-)


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